A chairde,
More whimpers than bangs on Wed. night last as a
jaded Mike Bath finally popped his head out from under his dinky
duck-down duvet and belatedly pulled the plug on this year's rutting
season. In what has frankly been a tedious and unreproductive
season we congratulate the Electric Pigs for once again coming out
on top of the pile thanks mainly to a butchissimo performance from
their stag-horned team captain - impossible to identify due to the
black mask and velcro basque, although, intriguingly, he and Gary
never appear together in the same pin-up photo. What he lacked in
technique he more than made up for with his many penetrating surges
into the opponent's box. His caterwauling and blood-curdling cries
of "GERONIMO" frequently enlivened and provoked the South Manchester
hinterland on even the sultriest Summer night.
An honourable mention also goes to Ethel Rodin who,
despite nursing a niggling groin sprain and a splitting headache,
gave some memorable performances, mostly away (well away) from
home. A bouquet of barbed roses also for Mike Heale for lifting the
"Most Promising Newcomer" award for the 82nd year in succession -
not quite a record but almost.
Jointly and firmly tied at the bottom (and savouring
every moment of it) were the unseeded Tufkac and the still virginal
Stumped who predictably lived up to their name though the same
cannot be said of their team captain, Roger, who feels with
hindsight that his team's 4play may still be a little on the cryptic
side especially when playing with more basic sides like Fifth
Finger. Fifth Finger, incidentally, as avid readers of "The Sport"
will already know, were forced to prematurely withdraw from the fray
both for ungentlemanly conduct and for having a name likely to cause
a breach of the peace (and not for having a piece on the beach as
reported in "The Sport" and in her sister paper the "Daily Mail").
The only previous player to have been banned for having a dicky
monicker was the greatly unlamented "Chopper" Harris who of course
went on to sire three perfectly normal sons, Anita, Keith and
Orville.
Also failing to go all the way were B'Oak who pulled
out of their scheduled weekend trysts and forfeited the spoils after
Fr. Megson issued forth - some would say gushed - a little white
papal Bull - "Post Coitum Omne Animal Crispe Est" - in which he
decreed that no flesh should be consumed on a Friday night unless
accompanied by a sober and consenting fish. Try finding one of
those on a Friday night in Didsbury!
And speaking of ornithology, did you know that the
humble swift can mate on the wing? And did you also know that the
now even humbler Pete from St. Cath's can't. He deserves a lot of
kudos for trying though. He even momentarily managed to make the
earth move but it didn't move fast enough, or far enough, to avoid a
nasty collision with our crestfallen and free-falling local Lothario
somewhere just off the A6 (honeymoon couples planning scenic drives
to Levenshulme are advised to take an alternative route). Pete is
currently appearing in traction at The Fletcher Moss. Please don't
reopen old wounds by asking him if he fancies a swift half.
Finally it is disappointing to note that the
Histrionic Men, for so long the sleeping giants of the Rutting
Kingdom, did not even enter this year. They pulled out dramatically
following Ivor's shock announcement that he wished to spend more
quality time with his plate. He has additionally employed two
Estonian au pairs and a Welsh dresser to ensure that his prized
plate gets the best possible start in life. Let's hope he never
manages to win a cup or he will be well nigh unbearable.
I see Mike has retreated back under his duvet,
probably to dwell nostalgically on his many and varied conquests of
the night before yesteryear. So that shouldn't take long. Then,
when he has emptied the post-coital ashtrays and arranged for Ethel
Rodin to be "churched" we can start the quiz. A far more manly
pursuit, if you ask me. I know Fr. Megson agrees. He was saying on
Eurotrash last week that for him much of the romance has gone out of
our national Rut ever since Skye TV were given exclusive viewing
rights (TVs in the rest of Scotland have to make do with reruns of
"The White Heather Club"). I feel personally that if more priests
spoke out on Eurotrash we would have far more democratic
confessional boxes and a corresponding reduction in pilfering from
the local Co-op. Why not let the "Withington Reporter" know what
YOU think about this sensitive issue. Even if you haven't had an
original thought about this or anything else since West Brom last
won the Cup drop them a line anyway. They will publish it and send
you some jam - hence the origin of their motto "Publish and be
jammed". Marvellous.
Enjoy your jam but don't dare get any of it on Ivor's
plate!
Charlie George
(retired and emotional and set for quiz after mopping
up operations by MB and the emptying of post coital ashtrays - sewer
of consciousness - adult as alibi for eating meat - traipsing off to
some sordid little steak-house)
