Electric Pigs lost out in the 'Battle of the Moss' to the high-flying Albert outfit

History Men tumbled at home providing Snoopy's Friends with their first points of the campaign

What is unusual about the construction of the US Navy ship New York which visited its namesake city earlier this week?

Still no sign of Father Megson.  It's like he never existed.  Well, that's the good news over.  The bad news is that I have heard from Tony's solicitors.  Under some obscure by-law from the 1840s we are in breach of internet etiquette if we publish a blank column for more than three weeks running. Unless we can come up with something this week he has threatened to move in and use the empty space to publish an alternative quiz from the Merseyside League of the 1950s which he just happens to have found in the pocket of his best anorak.

Fearing public unrest I have been forced, somewhat against my better judgement, to ask Dusty to do the column.  She has promised to launch a savage polemic against "them hoors in the Griffin" in her best handwriting in the near future but pressure of work means she is unable to do so at present.  "Runnin'  down to the off-licence every mornin' to get something for the team's breakfast and then racin' back home again to fire off letters to the movers and shakers of British Imperialism to get the Birmingham 6 set free has me heart scalded", she writes.  I've tried telling her that the Birmingham 6 were pardoned over ten years ago but she says that people who believe what they read in the English papers are bigger eejits than they look.  Maybe she's right.

That leaves only one other person stupid enough to do the column in return for a bit of publicity.  He is very much a person of his time and is, I suppose, as worthy of your love and respect as Fr Megson ever was.  For reasons that will become quickly apparent he has asked for complete anonymity.  Fair enough.  I hand you over now to a sweaty little git whom we shall call  'Mick from the Griffin'.

"Hiya volks, Nick here......I mean Mick......Hang on a minute, that's a bleedin' Paddy name isn't it. Might have guessed that a liberal bleeding heart website like yours would give me a Paddy name. Still it could be worse, at least English people can spell it...not like bleedin' Keerin or Roosin.  Ethel's OK though.  Quite fancy being called Ethel.  Or Dave.  That's a good old English name. Haven't met Dave yet.  Wot's he like?

"Did any of you catch me on the telly recently?  You know, some people thought I did it just 'cos I'm a geezer with my one eye on the main chance but it was a bit of an effing cock-up actually.  I applied to go on BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT but they put me in the wrong bleedin' studio.  Ended up on some poncey middle class quiz show called QUESTION TIME.  I hate friggin' quiz shows.  Especially ones that don't have Jim Davidson in them.  Right bleedin' waste of time.  Don't get me wrong, I know all sorts of interesting stuff like wot Hitler had a dog called Blondi - but they never even asked me that one.  Ponces!  Still, mustn't grumble.  That nice old geezer, Jack Straw gave me a fiver after the show. He said it made a lovely change for a cabinet minister to be able to sit back and let some other eejit take the flak for a change.  His mate Gordon said there might be a tenner in it for me if I go campaigning with him at the next election.

Have to go now since I've got a hot date with that Bonnie Greer chick.  I knew from her body language that she couldn't wait to get her hands on me after the show.  She mentioned something about a slap up so I'm taking her to an ethnic British curry house in Burnley.  I love Burnley.  It was built  by the Romans over 17,000 years ago and the town centre and football ground still retain much of their ice-age charm.